Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 595

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I really don't like art with a message. If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fucking say it.

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

There's a big difference between "poll workers" and "pole workers." Sadly.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are...

The only good thing about the good old days is they're gone.

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"

I asked him one time to tell me how I was conceived. You know why? 'Cause I wanted one good story. I don't have any good stories. I have no romantic stories of my parents that don't end with this phrase: "So the cops finally cuffed the crazy bitch."

I try to connect with the everyday, every guy.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

I love that mentality, “Boo! You went to a different school than I did. I want everyone going to the same school. One school. 140 million students. Or I go ‘boo.’ I am the least tolerant human being on Earth. What’d you have for dinner tonight? Chinese food. I had Japanese. Boo. You like Triskets. I like Wheat Thins. Boo. You like regular Starburst fruits chews. I like the tropical. Boo.”

Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Stop shaking!" Never got a dinner!

Taping yourself and making yourself listen to the tape of each performance no matter how bad is really important. There's always a nugget line or a direction pointed out to you in even the worst show.