Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 595

All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

The higher up I went, the less happy I was.

I don't get what is so cool about dating DJ's. That's like dating a valet because he drives a nice car.

Listen, I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic

So I kept it to myself. Then some of my classmates started to come down to the comedy club, taking a girl out, and they started finding out I was a stand-up comedian.

You know what I learned about Hawaiians? They're just blown up Mexicans!

Gags die, humor doesn't.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.

There once was a man from Nantucket, whose rod was so long that he could get ball-deep up in that. And then he'd be, like, in it, and she'd be like, 'Oh baby, that's my spot, that's my spot. Keep going, no don't stop, baby, that's my spot -- careful, I'm ovulating,' and he's like 'No, it's OK, I use the rhythm method.' And then he shot his junk.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.