Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 608
I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.
We all hold on to some image of the family we want, based one way or another on the family we had. Lots of people are thrilled about the families they came from, others couldn't get away fast enough. Most people fall into that vast middle ground: great affection mixed with a few ideas for improvement. A couple of things they wish could have perhaps been done differently.
A remembrance can mean nothing to the one remembered; it can only remind the ones left behind how little they did while you were still alive.
I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.
The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?
Sydney Poitier, who said to Lester Maddox, "Guess who’s not coming to dinner?" Never got a dinner!
Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? Ever. There's no reciprocity.
That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home.
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.
I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.
I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, "yeah, that's not really comedy."
My friends come and ask me "Is it worth it?" I say well shit it better be, I did this shit on purpose!
Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.