Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 608

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”

President Obama signed into law the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' What does it say about us that we think gay men can handle armed combat, but can't handle marriage?

You might be a redneck if your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."

How does the audience fall under the illusion that they have some right to not be offended? Certainly you have the right to not be harmed; but offended? Imagine the number of subjects that might offend any single individual and multiply that by the number of people in any given audience. Subtract all those topics from any given comic's set list and what do you get? Mime. That's what you get and possibly what you deserve. I've been booed for wearing the jersey of an offending sports team and then won the audience back with rape jokes. Who can tell?

Being black and speaking properly are not mutually exclusive. My father was an African, and he spoke beautifully at home. Nelson Mandela speaks beautifully. Should Mandela put his hat on backwards and say, 'Yo, homey, this is Nelson. Yo, Winnie, yo, this is def'?

I almost bought a DeLorean the other day just because. If I see something that I think is cool and I like it, I'll go for it.

I am fucked up. I apologize from the bottom of my cock. I'm sorry for my ass and my sack. It's my fault, my bad. Who's your daddy? Say my name, look me in the eye.

Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.

Riding a Ducati is like having sex with an aerobics instructor - you know, I'm exhausted and panting and it's going: 'Are you done, already?'

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

For some reason I get advertised when I travel as a political comedian, which I'm not. Sometimes I talk about it and sometimes I don't.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

I think there’s aliens. I just think they’re smarter than us and that’s why we don’t know they’re here. Like, fish don’t know we’re up here, but we’re certainly snagging them whenever we feel like it.