Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 608

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

Well I don't know what the city of Hollywood knows about foreign policy, but do I know that a lot of people do learn and educate themselves about policy and I don't have to be a policy expert to know that this will be a disaster.

They say my public persona don’t have enough appeal, I take a lesson from Kanye and give 'em something real.

I don't feel an obligation to give everyone a hard time, but when they're important people, it's fun.

I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.

It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."

People don’t care that you’re doing theater. I get stopped in New York. “Aren’t you that comedian from TV. What are you doing now?” <br /> “I just did a year on Broadway.” <br /> “What channel?” <br /> It’s not a channel!

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.

I found people looked better when they laughed.

I started this craze that's sweeping, no, it's Swiffering the nation.