Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 607

I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

Don't drink on weekends either... if you are gonna feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday through Thursday.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

For as one star another far exceeds, so souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.

I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

That’s why I don’t have a religion. I don’t want to have to say that, okay, I agree with everything a guy says.

Mainstream culture is like your mom: It’s always a little late to catch on and gets easily confused by technology, but it means well.

I’m in a whole different part of show business. I’m not even part of Shakespeare in Love.

A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'