Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 607

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

I think there’s aliens. I just think they’re smarter than us and that’s why we don’t know they’re here. Like, fish don’t know we’re up here, but we’re certainly snagging them whenever we feel like it.

When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."

I love Costas. He's knows too much, but he's a good guy.

I have not had sex in almost two years. And I think once you hit two years, you get your virginity back… I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover with leaves and hope somebody falls in.

Here’s something you never hear: "Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I’m free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!"

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

You can't talk about fucking in America, people say you're dirty. But if you talk about killing somebody, that's cool.

If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.

It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.