Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 607
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.
I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.
My friends come and ask me "Is it worth it?" I say well shit it better be, I did this shit on purpose!
I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
I’m left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that’s when I’m right.
Watching someone smoke when you can't is like watching porno without being able to jack off.
They mess with your food, they do. They go 'Well Wanda, first we're gonna cut out all your carbs...' OK, wait a minute, hold up. Let me explain something to you. I've got this medical condition, and when you cut out my carbs - my foot? Right up your ass.
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.
I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry!