Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 609
I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.
Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.
He went from looking like a Greek god to becoming Buddha: quiet, contained, but so powerful... And he's such a fighter. I thought, "He's going to the hospital, he'll be OK, he'll come out."
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.
Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her.
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."
Not only do I sing to him, I sing entire conversations. You become Jerry Lewis.