Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 609
I am 65, my friends say I look 55, I feel 45, I'll settle for 35, and you make me feel 25!
It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated.
A lady goes into a bar and orders a beer. So, she sits there and drinks it for a while. Well, a man comes in a few minutes later and liked to buy the lady another drink. He asks her, "Is that a beer you're drinking?" She's like, "No, it must be pee I'm drinking because it's a yellowish color." Duh!! Here's your sign.
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
They fucked around, started negotiating with those white people, they lost all that shit... And what they didn't lose negotiating, white people just kicked their ass on out of..
And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
You can't talk about fucking in America, people say you're dirty. But if you talk about killing somebody, that's cool.
That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, "Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down."
You might be a redneck if... the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.