Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 609
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.
No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about.
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.
It's got some heart, but it's got hard jokes. I care more about the hard jokes than the heart.
Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?
Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say "hello". "Hellooo, I invented the telephone!"
Stop worrying. Hollywood won't turn your daughter into a nymphomaniac or get her hooked on drugs... I will.
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
All TV is, is really: "Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that." There's nothing really in the middle.
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.