Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 610
Sore loser? You bet your fucking ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can't remember my name.
I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated.
A lady goes into a bar and orders a beer. So, she sits there and drinks it for a while. Well, a man comes in a few minutes later and liked to buy the lady another drink. He asks her, "Is that a beer you're drinking?" She's like, "No, it must be pee I'm drinking because it's a yellowish color." Duh!! Here's your sign.
I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.
We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.
When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you.