Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 610
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
I’m left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that’s when I’m right.
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.
That security guard can never tell me where to park. What does he know about parking? He can tell me where to stand.
Watching someone smoke when you can't is like watching porno without being able to jack off.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
America is like the really bad flatmate of the world: 'Oh sorry, did I break all your shit? I d'n't know it was yours. Yeah, I'll replace it sometime... with my stuff.'
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
The other night I was working, some white boy caught me in the hallway, “I’ve seen your show. I love what you do. But you make me feel so guilty. Must everything be race?” <br /> I said, “Yes, everything.”<br /> “Then you must think I’m the devil.”<br /> “No. But you’ll do until the real one gets here.”
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
I thought about becoming a lesbian. Those bitches look like they're having a helluva time, don't they? But then you gotta get into the whole lesbian scene, you know, and go buy hiking boots and a truck. And then, who pays for shit? I guess the guy who's watching, but what if he's not there?
I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.