Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 625

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry!

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

Moses, who said to the Israelites, "Stop calling me Charlton!" Never got a dinner!

Tina Fey is part of a generation of women who have changed the face of comedy at 'Second City,' 'SNL,' in sitcoms and in film.

I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you're better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that.

There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.

We've got to the stage where Sparrows and Otters are becoming extinct. I mean the next series of Spring Watch is going to be like Schindler's list. Just all shown in black and white with a little Robins red breast. Bill Oddie smuggling Badgers through Belgium. But the Panda's want to die, the Panda's want to die out and we're forcing them to have sex. Can you imagine that on your death bed some zoo keeper's trying to make you hump someone? I can. It's not all bad extinction is it? I mean it's less stuff to have to learn to teach your kids. "What's that daddy?" Well it's a dog cause there's only dogs left.

Excited about Black Friday. Also excited about Jew Tuesday.

You might be a redneck if you have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"