Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 624
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, and he went on dope adventures, and if anything got in his way, he’d just pee on it.
If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.
Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.
I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'
I can empathize with President George Bush. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.
That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, "Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down."
I'm Drew Carey, and just like the Muppets, I've got someone's hand up my butt.
It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.
I checked in to a hotel the other day and the woman behind the corner said to me, “Do you have a floor preference?” I go, “Yeah, I would like a floor.” Apparently, they can just suspend you from the ceiling now.