Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home.
I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous.
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.