Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 653

18,873 quotes

On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?

If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.

The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's offensive to the religion of Islam. Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.

I'm a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.

There's always that great photo of the actress or model lifting up her shirt just to show you the bone structure and the six-pack of her own. It's almost like when horses are auctioned and they show you their teeth. 'Am I good enough?'

To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled.

You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

David Letterman is the king of late-night television. My relationship with David Letterman is that I sit at his feet. That's what it is. I'm kind of his bitch.

We need to be prepared to help with their rent and utilities for six months to a year. We don't want them working right now.

It is pretty crazy living with a physical disability. I have to deal with people in weird ways. I was walking down the street and this woman walks up to me and she goes, “You know, I think it’s so inspirational that you’re out.”

They put me in Special Ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in Special Ed for the ladies.

Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?

What I wanna know is why I never fit in right like a fat dude getting on a packed flight.

I've gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine.