Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 652
People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If ketchup had 1/20th of the carcinogens in a cigarette they'd rip it off the shelves tomorrow, so the government is full of shit when they tell you that they care about you.
Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.
Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.