Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 652
I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.
The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”
President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about.
On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?