Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 659
Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."
A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don’t think there will be a second date.
Until as women we all say, "No! We are not going to starve ourselves", nothing is going to change. We're our own worse enemies sometimes but I still blame men.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.
Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.
I have not had sex in almost two years. And I think once you hit two years, you get your virginity back… I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover with leaves and hope somebody falls in.
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.