Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 659

Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.

I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And my wife goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

I'm forever a part of pop culture.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

A dry vagina is an impotent vagina… you’re not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself!

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

This women killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.

So we’re on this plane, and across the aisle from us was another couple, about our age, traveling with their two children - a two-year-old girl and a very new boy who, though tiny in stature, had a crying scream so piercing, it was annoying people on other planes.

No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.