Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 66
I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.
Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an ''act'' and he told the audience, ''This is my act.'' Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.
I was in a fish market, and there was a little boy behind the counter, about nine, and he had a bucket of live fish. And he took one out and he put it in his mouth. All of a sudden, his mom, who I think owned the place, looked at him and said, 'What are you doing?' And to my surprise, he pointed at me and went, 'He dared me to!' His mom turns around and is like, 'Did you dare my son to put a live fish in his mouth?' 'No, first of all, if I dared your son to do something, he'd be dead. I wouldn't do a wimpy dare, like read a short story quickly. I'd have a real dare, like eat a bag of fire! Or build a time machine, jerk off in it and send it to Hitler!' That's a dare.
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
Sorry, I had told Craig and them I'm gon' kick it with them. Gotta go! See you when I see you!
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.
A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"
It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.
Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.
When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.
My mom looks at my dad and goes, 'Do I look fat in this dress?' And my dad goes, 'Don't be stupid, you look fat in everything.'