Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 66

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

I get a lot of influence from pro wrestling. People are like, 'Oh, it's fake.' But it's not about whether the guy wins or loses, it's about how he entertains you the whole time you're watching.

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

"What's in the tea?" "Water, bitch!"

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

We want to recognize that it is the end of the show without really saying it. But we'll satisfy the audience's desire for a little heart.

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to meet it.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."