Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 65
When I die, I don’t want people to look in my coffin and go, “Wow, he looks great.” I’m dead for Christ’s sake! I want people to walk by my coffin and go, “Jesus! He partied…” And for the love of God, don’t put a rose in my hand, put a Slim Jim. Send me to heaven with a Slim Jim!
There's something very weird and abnormal about my particular quest to do stand-up; it's very isolating and self-important.
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
I swear on my unborn child's life i didn't eat your fucking ice cream.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause it's fucking dumb, that's why not!
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."
Moving to Australia was not a career move, but a quality of life issue. It has no guns, no God, and no gangster rap. As an Ethiopian cab driver said to me the other day when I was returning from a gig in Sydney, "Australia is a peaceful, democratic place." I like the relatively stress free lifestyle. It's worth the drop in income.
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties... welcome to my world.