Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 67
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities."
A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
It’s not fucking ADD I’m thinking. I’m thinking about things that are more interesting than you. I’m trying to build the perfect utopian society in my head and you’re talking to me about what? Fucking bowling, I don’t give a shit.
Did you know that if you play the New Kids On The Block record backwards, it actually sounds better.
Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars. If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.