Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 666

Girls are supposed to dance. That's why God gave them parts that jiggle.

My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.

I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My parents didn't want to get divorced until they passed away.

If ketchup had 1/20th of the carcinogens in a cigarette they'd rip it off the shelves tomorrow, so the government is full of shit when they tell you that they care about you.

How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.

There is also a kind of mean-spiritedness with LA comics.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

You might be a redneck if you've ever taken an RV to a drive-in movie.

"I like it when the waiter asks you if you want Parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!"

Everyone carries around his own monsters.

Found a fragrance called Vixen. Guess they can't name them after the people who actually wear them. Nobody's going to buy Secretary.