Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 666
A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you’ve only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.
There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.
I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.
I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.
The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.
I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarket to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.
You might be a redneck if you have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
The one thing you don’t want to be is a sucky clean comic. I hate sucky clean comics! It’s like Christian rock, bro. I’d rather listen to gospel and Christian rock. That’s cheating!
Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.