Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 666
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.
We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. And the Chairman didn't make his bones laying down for punks...
Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
I want to tell my jokes. I want to have time with my children. I want to entertain people. And at one point, I'll walk away from show business. But I don't want to walk away empty-handed.
You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.