Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 665
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles.
Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.
The definition of the word "nerd" has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
One of my favorite sketches, and a popular comedy formula, is to put someone with a mental handicap in some kind of unlikely situation. For example: The retarded gynecologist, the retarded Jesus, the retarded Osama Bin Laden. It works. It's funny. Inappropriate? I dunno. I feel like I'm a pretty good judge of what crosses the line of good taste being that I am retarded. Socially perhaps, but severly retarded.
How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with fucking kids, for crying out loud!
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. When homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid.
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.