Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 665
You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.
I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.
I would define my looks as a Victorian Childcatcher. Or an S&M Willy Wonka who likes to use a riding crop on his own leg in his spare time.
You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.
I actually graze at several of the homes while I'm playing. There a lot of food going on. I drink and eat and use the restrooms in a lot of the houses. What better way to really get closer to the fans than to steal their soap from the restrooms as they allow you to enter their homes?
One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy... and believe me if anyone knows how to cripple an economy it's President Obama!
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
We are burning a telephone pole. I don't know where we got a telephone pole. I do know it's pretty high up there on the Drunk Theft Scale, though.
Some of my inventions didn’t take off. I invented a url lengthener.
A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.