Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 665
There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.
Believe it or not, I've got a really bad metabolism. One burger and I'm done. I'm not a guy that puts away 10 burgers.
Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States.
Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.
Nobody's really happy. We used to be, before the psychologists made everything a syndrome. Or a dis-order. Before then, you weren't obsessive compulsive. You were, clean. You weren't schizophrenic, you were just damned good at impressions. There was no attention deficit disorder. I need a new chair. Are those drapes or a blind. My butt itches. Do we have a TV?
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.
My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?'