Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 667
At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
The definition of the word "nerd" has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.
How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with fucking kids, for crying out loud!
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.
I have a 16-year-old daughter. She’s growing up and I don’t know when it happened. I came home the other day and I’m helping my wife fold clothes. I pick up a little pair of skimpy underwear and I go, “Hey, hey, when are you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.”
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sara Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote "tax cuts" on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing– Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said "Road Runner".