Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 667

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

You might be a redneck if you've ever taken an RV to a drive-in movie.

"I like it when the waiter asks you if you want Parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!"

Everyone carries around his own monsters.

Found a fragrance called Vixen. Guess they can't name them after the people who actually wear them. Nobody's going to buy Secretary.

You know what you were doing while the priest was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, fuck that guy.'

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.

I asked him one time to tell me how I was conceived. You know why? 'Cause I wanted one good story. I don't have any good stories. I have no romantic stories of my parents that don't end with this phrase: "So the cops finally cuffed the crazy bitch."

At that point, we worked to contain the fire from the outside.