Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 667
Primarily I’ve gathered you here this evening to tell you this: that it’s not easy being British, as Kermit so nearly sang. The reason being, it is impossible for me as a British citizen to go into any museum in any nation on the planet Earth without, within five minutes, starting to feel guilty. You have no idea what that feels like. You will. Oh, You will.
I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.
But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.
Parents often give middle names just so that later, when they're yelling at the kid, they can drag it out. "Henry David Thoreau, you come in here this instant!"
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.