Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 670
Ladies, you got to look for a man like you look for a job. Do you research. Run a credit check on ‘em. Meet his baby’s mamas. You don’t just drive him to the methadone clinic. Go inside! Meet the people!
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.
I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
You know what you were doing while the priest was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, fuck that guy.'
They don’t tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
You're Hispanic. You speak Spanish. You're doing ethnic jokes. Taco Bell is one of your first targets.
The CEO of a company lied to you. But isn't that financial reporting?
Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.