Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 670
You might be a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's offensive to the religion of Islam. Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.
When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.”
You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.
It's not like some movies where you're following a bunch of different stories you can cut around. There was nowhere to cut to. It's these guys. We're not cutting back to anybody else.
Then she’s gonna tell me, “Well, who do you think about when you makin’ love to me?” She’s like, “I know, Halle Berry.” I said, “Nope!” She said, “Gabrielle Union?” “No.” She’s like, “Who then?” “Kim.” She’s like, “Who is Kim?” “The girl I seen at the club last night. Hell, I can’t get Halle Berry, but I can get Kim if you fuck up.
Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.
I hate those parking machines. Any machine where you've got to put money in, how do they always know you're in a hurry? You know, you rush up to it and they always get fussy on that last pound coin! You put it in and it goes "Nooo, I don't like that one!" "Yeah well it's just the same as all the others!" "Yeah I know, I just don't like that last one!"
I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.