Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 670

I would even walk so it wouldn't look like we're together. Here I can hold his hand.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

The only two places you'll ever hear 'Would you like whipped cream on that?' are a whorehouse and Starbucks.

Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you can't really love a brother or sister until you know that they're as scarred and broken as you are. And, hey, if you grow up with a father like mine and you aren't at least a little scarred and broken, well then, that's not your father. You were spawned by an entirely different guy.

I do a lot of traveling around the world.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

I'd like to say we're glad you're here - I'd like to say it...

I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.