Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 671

The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.

I just always wonder if I’m too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

You can’t climb a tile wall.

I don't think fascism is dying for.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.

Daniel Craig is having the best week ever and I don't even know who the fuck he is.

'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

My upbringing in Canada made me the person I am. I will always be proud to be a Canadian.