Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 671
You might be a redneck if you have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.
I would even walk so it wouldn't look like we're together. Here I can hold his hand.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. “You little fat-titted mediocre failure!” You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year’s Eve.
Why does every girl in the world wanna date me? Especially right now man, especially when I'm busy!
Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.