Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 669

This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.

I just always wonder if I’m too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.

I don't think fascism is dying for.

What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

I have a 16-year-old daughter. She’s growing up and I don’t know when it happened. I came home the other day and I’m helping my wife fold clothes. I pick up a little pair of skimpy underwear and I go, “Hey, hey, when are you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.”

'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

If you're getting raped by a fireman, do not yell "FIRE." And definitely don't bring up 9/11.

Nobody's been a pile of shit their entire life and then turned it around because the commencement address. 'So you're saying I can be anything? Oh yeah, that sounds way better than what I was going to do.'

Some of those heckling parts are just great on their own plus they happened at that moment so we had to include it.