Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 669
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
Because I am a fuckin' genius... according to my gynecologist, who said "That clitoris is gigantic."
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate?
I want to get so famous that I don't have to wake up in the morning. It'll probably never happen.
Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great.
I have the greatest respect for your culture; I think you guys do it properly. You have your three or four kids and then you slow down so you can enjoy your late teens.
You might be a redneck if you have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.
There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost - like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.
Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it vice cops don't fight real crime; that's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.
My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.
I would even walk so it wouldn't look like we're together. Here I can hold his hand.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.