Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 673

Dude on my flight is watching Men in Black 3, watching with no sound & pretending its a Hitch sequel bout Hitch trying hookup an alien.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.

I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn’t be dying needlessly tomorrow... I’m just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That’s a fact.

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

If this goes into sweatshop labor, I’m quitting this podcast.

America, I appreciate you liking me.