Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 673

I'm hoping in the next 30 years we'll end up in a beautiful world where we'll actually all are not the same but equal.

You can’t climb a tile wall.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.

Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.

I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" "He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

Someone told me Sean Hayes has agreed to star in the new version of the Three Stooges. The stars are starting to align.

Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit.”

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

“So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'”

You might be a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

There is no way to get better in stand up comedy than by failing.

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.”