Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 673

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

You can’t climb a tile wall.

To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife."

Daniel Craig is having the best week ever and I don't even know who the fuck he is.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.