Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 674

I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn’t be dying needlessly tomorrow... I’m just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That’s a fact.

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.

If this goes into sweatshop labor, I’m quitting this podcast.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

You don't have to believe everything you think.

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.

That would get on my damn nerve: I'm up in my house; the ghost's like, 'Get out. Get out.' I say, 'I heard you, you son of a bitch. Why you didn't say that shit when I was just looking at the house? Now they got my damn deposit; I done unpacked. You want me to get out? You get my goddamn deposit back. You pack all this shit, and you pay for the U-Haul.'