Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 674

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Life's but a day at most.

David Letterman is the king of late-night television. My relationship with David Letterman is that I sit at his feet. That's what it is. I'm kind of his bitch.

Postpartum depression? More like bitches being bitches.

Ever argue with a female and in the middle of the argument you no longer feel safe… You know what my girl will do? When she get mad, she’ll start talking in third person. That’s scary as hell because that’s her way of telling me that from this point on she’s not responsible for none of her actions.

I can't sleep because I keep dreaming that I'm me...

Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.

I just always wonder if I’m too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

My secret now is to try and make sure that my girlfriend, Tracey, is out of the house when I bring my dates home. That can be awkward.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it.