Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 674

This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.

Jimmy Buffet was entertaining people at the last shuttle launch... talk about outdated technology.

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

David Letterman is the king of late-night television. My relationship with David Letterman is that I sit at his feet. That's what it is. I'm kind of his bitch.

There's a thin line between to laugh with and to laugh at.

You know what you were doing while the priest was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, fuck that guy.'

I do a lot of traveling around the world.

Parents often give middle names just so that later, when they're yelling at the kid, they can drag it out. "Henry David Thoreau, you come in here this instant!"

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

We just got vialated by a nasty, small Frenchman.

Perception is reality; so being so twisted I have no idea who I ever was which was a really lucky break.

There’s the members of the new partnership: Fuentes, Fuentes, Chico, and Dummo.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.