Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 672
The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.
Then she’s gonna tell me, “Well, who do you think about when you makin’ love to me?” She’s like, “I know, Halle Berry.” I said, “Nope!” She said, “Gabrielle Union?” “No.” She’s like, “Who then?” “Kim.” She’s like, “Who is Kim?” “The girl I seen at the club last night. Hell, I can’t get Halle Berry, but I can get Kim if you fuck up.
The one thing you don’t want to be is a sucky clean comic. I hate sucky clean comics! It’s like Christian rock, bro. I’d rather listen to gospel and Christian rock. That’s cheating!
I know that if I wasn't scared, something's wrong, because the thrill is what's scary.
I would even walk so it wouldn't look like we're together. Here I can hold his hand.
Hang out with the worst people imaginable while they’re all in “fuck it!” mode - Vegas!
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Whenever you combine a secretive compound, religion, and weirdos in pioneer outfits, there's gonna be some child fucking going on.
Why does every girl in the world wanna date me? Especially right now man, especially when I'm busy!
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, "I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat?" He said, "Peanut Butter." I said, "If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick?" He said, "no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down."
You ever see those racism public service announcements where they have an athlete speak out against racism, but they'll make it specific to their sport? Like a boxer will say, 'We gotta knock out racism.' Or a basketball player will say, 'We gotta slam dunk racism.' I want to do one of those, except as a comedian. I'll be like, 'Racism's not funny -- except in small groups of close personal friends and family. Keep it where it belongs.'
I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"