Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 672

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

I'd like to say we're glad you're here - I'd like to say it...

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.

If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.

Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.

Dude on my flight is watching Men in Black 3, watching with no sound & pretending its a Hitch sequel bout Hitch trying hookup an alien.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

You might be a redneck if you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.