Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 672
Nobody's been a pile of shit their entire life and then turned it around because the commencement address. 'So you're saying I can be anything? Oh yeah, that sounds way better than what I was going to do.'
To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the fucking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!
Some of those heckling parts are just great on their own plus they happened at that moment so we had to include it.
We wanted a name that was fun and different and something people would remember. Foundation board member Betty McCain suggested Winter Solstice, and we went with that.
Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, "It’s only a nickname." Never got a dinner!
Jimmy Buffet was entertaining people at the last shuttle launch... talk about outdated technology.
You might be a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
It's not like some movies where you're following a bunch of different stories you can cut around. There was nowhere to cut to. It's these guys. We're not cutting back to anybody else.
David Letterman is the king of late-night television. My relationship with David Letterman is that I sit at his feet. That's what it is. I'm kind of his bitch.
I don't get what is so cool about dating DJ's. That's like dating a valet because he drives a nice car.
That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"
You know what you were doing while the priest was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, fuck that guy.'