Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 675

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I'm filthy rich! It's good to be Adam Sandler!

If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.

Well u tell cancer I said I'ma shoot him twice me, by myself, all day, everyday, wakeup, go back to sleep, you wanna go night night nigga? everybody go night night everybody go night night

You don't need to be stable to be a stand-up comedian.

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

You don't have to believe everything you think.

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.