Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 675

The first Star Wars trilogy would have been much funnier if the whole time Chewbacca had been pregnant.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".

I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.

And then Jesus answered him, Jesus said, 'Well, my son...that is when I was helping one of the other five billion people on the planet, you selfish fuck. C'mon! You were walking back to your Malibu beach colony home and stubbed your toe on some driftwood, it's not a fuckin' emergency, alright? There's other people with real problems.'

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you've got flies.

Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.

I think about being married again, having a home and a wife. No one can ever be married too many times, and maybe if I keep trying I'll get it right one day.

It’s not the size of the nose that matters, it’s what’s inside that counts.

I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.

Ever drive down the highway and a policeman gets up behind you? Then everybody goes two by two behind him. He’s like the interstate pace car. Then he gets off at the exits and we’re back to green flag racing!