Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 675

When you get a certain age pussy is not what it was when you was younger… I only fuck so I have a memory to jerk off to later.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

One time my own father caught me watching a porno movie. The one thing you never wanna hear in that situation is, "son, move over." "And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon…" my eye!

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".

"We don't need your English bastard pounds! We're our own country, we'll have our own bloody money, eh?!" "Would you like your own currency?" "Ah, it's complicated mathematically. Let's just have yours with our photos, I think that's the best way!"

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.