Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 676

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned - not nailed.

I got a big kick out of that, actually. I think even when we were doing the concert ... everyone thought it was kind of cool that three busloads of people came from southwest Ohio.

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.

So I kept it to myself. Then some of my classmates started to come down to the comedy club, taking a girl out, and they started finding out I was a stand-up comedian.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.

They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.

Let us just say: I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it, because I was so happy all the time.

I'm aging, and the world is seeing it.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I'm getting drunk, watching Sabrina and wondering if 9:30 is too early to go to bed.

No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.

I'm filthy rich! It's good to be Adam Sandler!