Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 676
I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.
Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do.
When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
Whoever coined the phrase, "killing two birds with one stone," not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.
The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.
While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.
Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?
I was a somewhat bright child, which led to different sorts of problems. In second grade, I moved up to fourth grade math and reading. There was an option to skip a grade but I was so tiny and microscopic that my mom was, like, 'He has enough now, let's not make his life totally terrible.' I stayed in my grade but alienated everyone by being, like, 'brainiac.'