Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 676
When we were kids movies were scary. They affected your brain for years. I saw "Jaws" I couldn't take a fuckin' bath for like 10 years. I thought that shark was coming out of the drain... I'm lathering one side at a time.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it vice cops don't fight real crime; that's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.
Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.
I don’t care if you’re a brother, a sister a mother or a father: you’re nothing unless you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock before taking him to a prostitute!
These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.
After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it'll flop. And that's when I really take a hard look at myself and say: 'Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it's talking about.'
Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.