Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 682
Why does every girl in the world wanna date me? Especially right now man, especially when I'm busy!
If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.
Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.
Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?
When you're born, you have a finger up your nose, the other hand on your dick, and you get taller. And that is really it.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.