Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 682
You might be a redneck if you have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.
You don’t have to go from zero to… the Dos Equis guy. You can take smaller steps.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
God old people on coaches! Fuck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!
I’m nervous about the whole velvet rope scene… I’m a child of the 70s. And I remember those Studio 54 stories where there’s a guy at the velvet rope and he’s saying you’re hot enough to get it and you’re not. And I know I’m in the not list. That’s not fun for me. When I go to Applebees, I get a table whenever I want.
If Wednesday is Hump Day, Thursday should be Panic, Regret, I Can't Find My Left Shoe and Why Does It Burn When I Pee? Day.
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. “You little fat-titted mediocre failure!” You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year’s Eve.
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
No parent must ever say, "Get the kids out of here, I'm trying to watch TV." The father who does start saying this is likely to see one of his children on the 6:00 news.
So we’re on this plane, and across the aisle from us was another couple, about our age, traveling with their two children - a two-year-old girl and a very new boy who, though tiny in stature, had a crying scream so piercing, it was annoying people on other planes.
What I wanna know is why I never fit in right like a fat dude getting on a packed flight.