Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 688
I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.
I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?" I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.
In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
Frankly, I could not fucking believe I was not allowed to vote. Three and a half years I've lived here! I work hard -- relatively speaking for someone who does this for a living. I pay my taxes. I try to fit in. I've learnt your rudimentary language. I don't know what more you could reasonably expect me to do. And that's when it hit me. I know why I'm so angry. I know what this is -- taxation without representation. Now I get it. Now I see why you got so pissy about it all those years ago. It is annoying. You were right. It is annoying and consider that as close to an apology as you are ever going to get.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
He's a guy who's in charge of determining our energy policy, and he's doing it with $31 million of oil company money in his pocket. Is anybody fucking home?
President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.
It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.