Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 688
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.
When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.
Jackie come to me and says, 'We gonna do a fight scene.' I said 'What?' He says 'We got to do a fight scene in the next scene. I have to teach you.' I say 'How you gonna teach me in three seconds?' What we did, we did the fight scene with our arms connected.
I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
If you have an entry-level position at a fertilizer company, you are literally in the asshole of the shit business.
If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.
Whoever coined the phrase, "killing two birds with one stone," not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
Would I go to see a pediatrist or a proctologist to remove a foot from my ass?