Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 689

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.

I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.

When I was a boy, I was taught never to use insulting expressions like, 'I've been gypped,' or, 'He welshed on the deal.'

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

At that point, we worked to contain the fire from the outside.

Fuck you, Guardian, for calling me a liberal.

Man, you've gone from social drinker to alcoholic really quickly.

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

There is also a kind of mean-spiritedness with LA comics.

We show-ed a lot of intensity on defense early. But we missed one of our point guards who is the spark for our defense.

Bush is in command. And when he heard that sectarian militias had killed hundreds of Iraqis, he called for an immediate invasion of Sectaria.

This beautiful woman has something written on the side of her body, it says, "whatever is not the stars to hold our destinies, but in ourselves"... I just don’t under - why? why? why do people do that? Is that for when she’s hookin’ up with some guy, right? And he’s bangin’ her doggy style and he kinda leans over, and he looks and then he reads that, and like what’s he supposed to think then? Like, "Da... this bitch is deep!"