Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 689

I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla - you ain't done till the gorilla's done.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'

My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.

Man, it's hot. I'm sweating like R. Kelly at a Girl Scout meeting.

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.