Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 689
Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on our sleeve because we know that fact impresses everybody! I was in Vietnam. So what? I live in New York!
On 'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' it takes almost a year to get 10 shows written. It always reminds me of my old yeshiva days, where you used to sit over a piece of Talmud and analyze everything that was going on.
Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.
I'll tell you why -- because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay -- that's why I get the dollar more an hour.
I thought, "I'm gonna try that at my house!" Well apparently, bologna and string cheese is not a real big turn on to a blindfolded woman.
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
If you have a date tonight, play it safe and leave your heart at home.
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.
There's no skill. You can be a rock and move into another cash bracket.