Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 697

They call me the confuser. Is he a man...is he a woman...? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

Then she’s gonna tell me, “Well, who do you think about when you makin’ love to me?” She’s like, “I know, Halle Berry.” I said, “Nope!” She said, “Gabrielle Union?” “No.” She’s like, “Who then?” “Kim.” She’s like, “Who is Kim?” “The girl I seen at the club last night. Hell, I can’t get Halle Berry, but I can get Kim if you fuck up.

You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.

Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.

Everyone carries around his own monsters.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I’m not going to investigate it if it doesn’t effect me directly.

I'm for human lib, the liberation of all people, not just black people or female people or gay people.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.

They don’t encourage you to be who you wanna be, they encourage you to be what they want you to be, no teacher is gonna tell you you’d be cut out to be a great pornstar or illegal arms merchant.

Honestly, you got to take care of the people that take care of you. I know that sounds like cliche, or borderline phony, but that's the case. The reason I've had the fans that I have is because I've been consistent over the years and kept coming back and doing the same runs. I'm never going to stop doing the cities I've gone through. I'm only going to add.

This women killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.