Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 697

First of all, I have a rule. And that is: I never look at somebody’s face while we’re having sex. Because #1 what if I know the guy?

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

I remember when the last Harry Potter title came out, I think it was Harry Potter and the Crock of Shit. Or Harry Potter and the Mitten of Wool? Remember that?

Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

I got screwed when my parents passed away. They left me their unfinished business.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

We are just pleased to help out, ... We want to help people that may be evacuating the Gulf Coast area to have some normalcy and take their minds off Hurricane Katrina for a couple of hours.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.