Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 698

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!

God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, "Yes ma’am! Those’ll work."

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I'm not taking the bus today. I thought I'd try something different, I'm going to throw myself in front of it.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

You don’t know Jay-Z’s schedule. He’s a Renaissance man.

The sun comes up and so does your dick. Cause at heart your dick's a farmer!

Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!

I got screwed when my parents passed away. They left me their unfinished business.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

I would define my looks as a Victorian Childcatcher. Or an S&M Willy Wonka who likes to use a riding crop on his own leg in his spare time.

I would love to have acidy spit.