Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 698

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves.

I don’t want to be a mom. I could easily be a dad. I could lie on a couch and have my kid come up to me for the first time when they’re 5 years old and go, “Dad, can I go outside?”<br /> “I dunno, ask your mother.”<br /> That I can do. I’d be amazing at that.

You got to figure out how to eat your snack while your elbows are touching. You got to learn how to twist your little plastic utensil.

Three wishes - no substitutes, exchanges or refunds.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

You watch too much porno, it diminishes your taste for the kind of girls that will actually poon you.

Here’s the thing about people who believe in God: they’re fucking stupid.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.

Feels good to try, but playing a father, I'm getting a little older. I see now that I'm taking it more serious and I do want that lifestyle.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.