Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 698
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.
I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.
Look, I'm not going to put pressure on the boy. If he's good... Great. If he's bad... If he quits, he's dead.
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles.
I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.