Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 696

I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

I hope you die....<br /> P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.

I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

Here's how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

Humor is reason gone mad.

President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary the most romantic Valentine's gift today, a huge rose garden. Where would he get that?

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

It's pure Americana. It couldn't be any more folksy or wholesome unless Huckleberry Finn suddenly walked in carrying a freshly baked apple pie and started dropping the n-word.

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

When I was 8 years old, I entertained friends with my alligator hand puppet. Where’s my room in Vegas?

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you've got flies.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

I've got a three year-old and he wants to rollerblade and he said, "Daddy, I want to put on my helmet," and I said, "Suck it up, kid. We don't wear helmets in this family; we're men. No, not on the sidewalk - get in the street."