Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 696

God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, "Yes ma’am! Those’ll work."

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

You don’t know Jay-Z’s schedule. He’s a Renaissance man.

My kind of gay, meeting a woman and falling in love, is a different experience because it wasn't anything about 'Oh, I've always been gay and I'm breaking the chains.'

I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

I live in a predominantly anxious section of town.

I would love to have acidy spit.

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.

I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it. Just go up to somebody you don't know and and just go, 'Well how do you think I felt?'

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

If this goes into sweatshop labor, I’m quitting this podcast.