Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 696
One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.
I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
Religions are maintained by people. People who can't get laid, because sex is the first great earthly pleasure. But if you can't get that, power is a pretty good second one. And that's what religion gives to people. Power. Power is sex for people who can't get or don't want or aren't any good at sex itself.
You got Dracula - a wooden stake; Wolfman - a silver bullet. But little boys, a belt. But I've been stripped of my weapons. Wait a minute. I don't need a belt.
We wanted a name that was fun and different and something people would remember. Foundation board member Betty McCain suggested Winter Solstice, and we went with that.
Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?
A lot of people don't like Wal-Mart, they say it's big business; like it kills the Mom-and-Pop shops. But really Wal-Mart, they were a Mom-and-Pop shop at some point and then they got their act together and became unbelievable.
I want to get so famous that I don't have to wake up in the morning. It'll probably never happen.
The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard.
There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace.
I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.