Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 712
I've got a three year-old and he wants to rollerblade and he said, "Daddy, I want to put on my helmet," and I said, "Suck it up, kid. We don't wear helmets in this family; we're men. No, not on the sidewalk - get in the street."
Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn Tinted Construction Mask.
Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled.
My ist grade teacher was so obsessive-compulsive, that for fire drills she made us line up in alphabetical order.
Whenever you go out [to eat] you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."
Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.
A person that is going to go out and get so drunk that you're going to get sick is just an<br /> all-time dumb person.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.