Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 712

Clint Eastwood's sex therapist, who said to Clint, "Do it any which way you can, but no sudden impact." Never got a dinner!

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

If you’re “willing to die” for a cause you should really find some other less potential death related interests.

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can't remember my name.

Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?

You can do anything you want, as long as it works.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got a big kick out of that, actually. I think even when we were doing the concert ... everyone thought it was kind of cool that three busloads of people came from southwest Ohio.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

You're Hispanic. You speak Spanish. You're doing ethnic jokes. Taco Bell is one of your first targets.

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.

I know enough football to know that’s funny!