Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 711

Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!

If I lose show business - I'll really be an orphan!

I'm dating a younger sexier crowd.

We have so many people in the camp that it's difficult for everybody to find a porta-potty. With 90,000 people at a game, you can imagine 10,000 standing in line.

I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction. Help someone who is trying to help you. Just help. Make an impact. Show someone you care. Say yes instead of no. Say something nice. Smile. Make eye contact. Hug. Kiss. Get naked.

I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.

Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, "It’s only a nickname." Never got a dinner!

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

Humor's a weapon if you want to make it one.

When you become senile, you won't know it.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind?"

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.