Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 711
Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, "Are you sure all we did was kiss?" Never got a dinner!
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
The thing that amazes me about getting fired is that nobody ever has anything insightful to say about it. They always say the same thing. They always say, “Everything happens for a reason.” As lame as that sounds, I guess it’s better to hear it out loud. Because when you hear it in your own head, it sounds like, “Anything can happen with a razor.”
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
Every girl who has sex with me ladies is guaranteed to have an orgasm or dinner is on me.
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
Yeah, good to be here. I haven't been here in two years... Thanks. It's that warmth I've missed in Austin. So, we been here, ain't our fault you gotta travel around, shit. We supposed to follow you around? You supposed to be back here. What are you doin', where are you?
I don't think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either.
You ever do a little delete game? Do you like to do that? You go through, you take your contactlist, sometimes you're just in the doctor's office right? You start scrolling through, you're like... who don't I need? Who don't I need in my life?
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.
So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!
At the time I had a basic setup, basic cable if you will.He had the holy shit premier package.