Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 711
Peeps ask why the shades inside JB? I have a cool prescription thats why!
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
Honestly, you got to take care of the people that take care of you. I know that sounds like cliche, or borderline phony, but that's the case. The reason I've had the fans that I have is because I've been consistent over the years and kept coming back and doing the same runs. I'm never going to stop doing the cities I've gone through. I'm only going to add.
For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.
He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
I like LA. LA is cool, but it ain't like home. Atlanta is home. All my friends are here, I grew up here. But LA is cool. Its more like a big office. Its work and you work, and you're meetin' people all the time, but its more like acquaintances than friends and stuff.I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.
I don’t know if I’m the right person to be doing jokes about religion; in the past few months, I’ve become religious, I’ve started to believe in god, creationism and intelligent design, and the reason that I now believe in god and creationism and intelligent design is because of Professor Richard Dawkins. Because when I look at something as complex and intricate and beautiful as Professor Richard Dawkins, I don’t think that just could’ve evolved by chance! Professor Richard Dawkins was put there by god to test us, like fossils. And facts.
Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.
So that this thing that aired in 1963 would result a few years later in personal bankruptcy, would result in having people be on edge with me, wondering when I'm going to blow up.
He's just always positive. He's always smiling and he's always trying.
A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.
I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'