Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 713
I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.
One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, "Oh, I found me a hobby."
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.
I haven't been as wild with my money as somebody like me might have been. I've been very safe, very conservative with investments. I don't blow money. I don't have a ton of houses. I know things can go away. I've already had that experience.
Let's take back the real estate between our ears and get green like a son of a bitch.
You might be a redneck if you have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat.
Who ever invented ALCOHOL should be shot immediately, Hangovers are the worst... I swear it feels like a fat baby is kicking me in the head.
What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.
If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.
You know how you look up at your dad when you’re a little kid like he’s got some special Dad knowledge. And then you find out all he really knows is how to have sex with your mom.