Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 713
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.
I'm for human lib, the liberation of all people, not just black people or female people or gay people.
My wife goes "that's not a bicycle, Rembrandt!" And I go "well, it ain't a monkey wearing glasses, Helen Keller!"
Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.
My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?
For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.
There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.
He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
My wife would say my worst habit is that I'm not good at dropping subjects. If something bothers me, I'll bring it up endlessly and relentlessly. I think it's a search for clarity, but she uses different words.
I was told maybe nine years ago by an executive who was working for a major network that the networks from now on are going to be entertaining 13-year-old people, and that's what you see today.