Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 713
I have a 16-year-old daughter. She’s growing up and I don’t know when it happened. I came home the other day and I’m helping my wife fold clothes. I pick up a little pair of skimpy underwear and I go, “Hey, hey, when are you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.”
I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.
I love my life, but I don't think I'm any happier than my younger brother Andre, who drives a garbage truck.
Prostitutes in Lyons, France, sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's — "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says — that I am dumber than a French whore.
I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.
You got Dracula - a wooden stake; Wolfman - a silver bullet. But little boys, a belt. But I've been stripped of my weapons. Wait a minute. I don't need a belt.