Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 727

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'

I can play recorder to grade level seven. Do you realize how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.

Honestly, the real reason i shave it down there is to make my dick look bigger, thats why. You mow the lawn the yard looks bigger.

I'd never directed before and this movie's too important to me to put in the hands of some guy who has never directed. Even if it's me.

Grannies Gone Wild’: She may have alzheimer’s, but she still nasty!

You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

We had a civil ceremony – his mother couldn’t come.

Peeps ask why the shades inside JB? I have a cool prescription thats why!

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

There's this whole sense of judgment and who's right and who's wrong and who's moral and who's going to be punished.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.