Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 727

I don't think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either.

Frankly, I could not fucking believe I was not allowed to vote. Three and a half years I've lived here! I work hard -- relatively speaking for someone who does this for a living. I pay my taxes. I try to fit in. I've learnt your rudimentary language. I don't know what more you could reasonably expect me to do. And that's when it hit me. I know why I'm so angry. I know what this is -- taxation without representation. Now I get it. Now I see why you got so pissy about it all those years ago. It is annoying. You were right. It is annoying and consider that as close to an apology as you are ever going to get.

And then mommy's lawyer does to daddy what daddy was doing to the nurse.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

My kind of gay is like the late-breaking-lesbian kind of gay.

If you take the time to smell the roses, sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee and die.

I couldn’t get a date the entire freshman year of college. The whole year I spend… well, they call it stalking now. But I call it getting to know you.

I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

Well, in sports news, the big story is the NFL now stands for 'Not For Limbaugh.'

In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.

I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.