Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 728

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

We get a magazine called Modern Ferret. It's a magazine about that hairy rat, I swear to God! And if you ever see it, pick it up. And on the inside cover, it's a woman and the man who publish this magazine wrote this inscription: "some day, we hope to make money doing what we love, playing with our ferret." Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Pee-Wee Herman lose a lot of money playing with his ferret?

If you're a parent, the five worst words you can say to your children are, "When I was your age ..." You were never their age. You were older in the womb.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, "I will not live in a house with a Little John." Never got a dinner!

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

Sometimes sarcasm is just someone quietly hating the fuck outta you.

We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.

If Fang had a brain operations, it would be minor surgery.

You might be a redneck if the flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.

The overhead lights reflect in the glass countertop and mingle in the gray and black of the gloves, resulting in a mother-of-pearl swirl that sometimes sends Mirabelle into a shallow hypnotic dream.