Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 728

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

The problem with labels is that they lead to stereotypes and stereotypes lead to generalizations and generalizations lead to assumptions and assumptions lead back to stereotypes. It’s a vicious cycle, and after you go around and around a bunch of times you end up believing that all vegans only eat cabbage and all gay people love musicals.

Put your fucking camera away, you stupid fucking tourist of life! There's a whole generation of shitheads just filming every fucking thing they do. "I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!"

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, "where will you spend eternity?". Which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Motor Vehicles.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

If a cunt falls in the forrest, but lacks the self awareness to really see it, did it fall in the first place?

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

I understood that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart.

Some authority on parenting once said, "Hold them very close and then let them go." This is the hardest truth for a father to learn: that his children are continuously growing up and moving away from him (until, of course, they move back in).