Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 734
Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!
They kicked me out of my school and sent me to the retard school down the street. If you had anything wrong with you, you went to my school. You were on a wheelchair, you went to my school. You were on crutches, you went to my school.You were blind, you went to my school.You were deaf, you were deaf, you had behavior problems, you went to my school. My school had ramps all over the fucking place. It looked like Tony Hawk designed my school.
I like Jesus, I just felt sorry for his Disciples. Those guys had the roughest job in the world cause they could never call in sick. They could never go "Shhh shhh, yeah I know, I'll talk to him, it'll be alright..." [ring, ring... Jesus picks up] "[coughing...] Yeah listen Jesus. Yeah listen four or five of us went fishing last night and we forgot our sweaters. Yeah we're coming down with a cold or something. Yeah we're not going to be able to walk to Jerusalem with you today... What? What we're healed? But you're not here, ohh you don't have to be here you can say the word and we're healed? I didn't know that. Yeah every body is up. Yeah be good OK. We'll see you in about ten minutes alright. OK thank you, alright so long. Come on guy let go... we're healed."
I miss having a pet. We’re not allowing to have dogs in my building. We’re allowed to have cats. My friend’s like, “Why don’t you get a cat?” I’m like, “Why don’t I just start kissing dudes too?”
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!
When you leave, you basically want to go eat, because I talk a lot about food in my act. So when you leave, you leave hungry.
To all my fans who’s saying Donald Glover about to blow, just give me six months so you can say I told you so.
I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes - when you work clean, you can work anywhere.
I'm for human lib, the liberation of all people, not just black people or female people or gay people.
You might be a redneck if your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
“My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.”
A young senator came to me one Tuesday afternoon and said, ‘I want to be the next president of the United States.’ I looked at him, made him get into a sensory deprivation tank and answer a few deceptively simple questions, and after about an hour I said, ‘Okay, kid, let’s do this.’ That person, of course, was John F. Kennedy.