Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 734

Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don't care what it is. It works.

Peanuts! What happened to peanuts! Now every buggers allergic to peanuts! It's true, you open a packet of peanuts now, and a bunch of five year olds in a five mile radius slam to the floor, jabbing themselves with fucking adrenaline!

The doctor who delivered Mr. T, who said, "He slapped me!" Never got a dinner!

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, "For God sakes, don't scratch it!" Never got a dinner!

When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.

Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?

Took the G out your waffle all you have left is your ego.

You have to have lived some life. You've got to have paid some dues.

When we ask you if we look fat, it really means "Can you see my clit?"

The fact that women make seventy-five cents to every man's dollar won't bother us as long as you touch our clit.

I think I speak for America when I say, "nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg."

I didn’t know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That’s what I learned. I didn’t know how to put a set together.