Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 734

I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.

I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now.

I can play recorder to grade level seven. Do you realize how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You might be a redneck if you go to the family reunion to meet women.

You don't have to believe everything you think.

Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy, you're happy. And when she's angry, you can still choose to be happy, 'cos, what's her deal ? You know, I'm happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I'm getting all mad. I hope she's happy. Happy Valentines Day.

Usually, if I think something is really funny, I'm not gonna test it. I'll just test it when I'm onstage.

In answer to the question, "Why do they hate us?" Al Queda today admitted it's those guys who wear a scarf with just a t-shirt.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

Are a lot of eight year olds that stressed? Do we got a lot of eight year old kids coming home from school going, “Oh, man, my day today. I could not make a cursive S to save my life.”