Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 733
The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.
Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it and, as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit. Put that on the back of a locket, then swallow it.
I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
There are no innocent fucking victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty - period - Fuck you - End of report - Next case.
I don't know what to do. I have a friend in Japan. And he actually owes me ten bucks.
If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.
Banks have this new image of being your friend. If they’re so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree", probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks, and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float.
I don't have to "freedom-kiss" my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Every eight minutes, someone has sex with an animal... and you wonder why the attack you. Because of that man, and its up to me and a half mexican to stop him!