Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 733

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

It's like Canada, but without the metric system.

My mom is very religious, and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case, I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

They always say the Miss America Pageant isn't a beauty contest, it's really a scholarship program. If that's the case, why don't we just put all the contestants on "Jeopardy!" and pick Miss America that way? At least you get the smartest one.

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary the most romantic Valentine's gift today, a huge rose garden. Where would he get that?

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up – God, what a night that was!

It's just such a gross business. I see why people get eaten from the inside out. Even when it's going well it's hard to deal with.

At that point, we worked to contain the fire from the outside.

Well, in sports news, the big story is the NFL now stands for 'Not For Limbaugh.'

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

This is a man who survived four heart attacks. Yeah, the doctor revoked his organ donor card. Issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal. Well, he actually had three heart attacks and a heart "episode." Cause his last heart attack, he was with an HMO. Yes. And it seems that if they write down "heart attack," they have to admit you. But if they write down "heart episode," they can give you Robitussin and send your ass home.