Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 733

My kind of gay is like the late-breaking-lesbian kind of gay.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.

To be on the safe side I use a condom when I masturbate.

I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.

Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?

I'm very open to the up-and-comers.

I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant.

Low self-esteem sex is bad. Here’s the deal: when I have an orgasm I shriek, “I’m sorry!”

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain - and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.

If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.

You know how you look up at your dad when you’re a little kid like he’s got some special Dad knowledge. And then you find out all he really knows is how to have sex with your mom.

You might be a redneck if you go to the family reunion to meet women.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.