Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 735
I feel very privileged that I am able to do something. All of us saw the images on TV and we said we can send money but we still wanted to contribute more.
My career's going pretty good. I just finished a screenplay. It's a cop buddy picture - two cops: one cop has narcolepsy, the other one has Tourette's Syndrome. It's called 'Snoozy and Spaz.'
Every eight minutes, someone has sex with an animal... and you wonder why the attack you. Because of that man, and its up to me and a half mexican to stop him!
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife."
You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
The first night was awful because I was so afraid, and I was never more afraid because it was going out of my character to be outgoing and to be vulnerable and to be out there and onstage. My hands were sweaty and I couldn't swallow, and I drank a bottle of wine to calm my nerves.
People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with "itch," "hunt," & "bore."
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
I was an altar boy too. No, I don’t have any jokes. Sorry, my priest was cool. He didn’t touch me. Never approached me. He didn’t look at me twice… no matter what I did.
How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.
I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.