Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 735

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

I don't know what to do. I have a friend in Japan. And he actually owes me ten bucks.

I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

I don't have to "freedom-kiss" my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade, you might be a redneck.

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

When you swear to God, its true. Right now God is watching and saying, "this is true."

May a sacred cow leave a night deposit in your front yard.

I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.

I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.