Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 736
You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes... why can't they make the whole plane out of the same material?
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
If laughter is the best medicine, I promise to continue to make you laugh as my wife and I work together with the National Kidney Foundation to save lives.
I hate when people refer to themselves as Mommy. Your daughter knows who the fuck you are!
I was dating a woman for a while. We had out first little sex talk. She actually said this to me. She said, “Todd, I’ve had anal sex before but don’t ask me who it was with.” I think if I made a list of every question I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question. Including “Who shot J.R.?”, “Where’s the beef?” and “Why would you think I’d want to know that?” OK, maybe not “Where’s the beef?” Because she might answer that one.
With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.