Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 740
Nothing makes you feel better inside, male or female, than when someone who shouldn't have fucked you, did.
Originally they wanted me to be Buster but I really like the Tobias part.
I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.
I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up – God, what a night that was!
Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don't need the popular vote to win.
I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherfuckers, it'll be your last headache.
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!