Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 740

A grandchild is God’s reward for raising a child.

I don't know what to do. I have a friend in Japan. And he actually owes me ten bucks.

I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.

You're like an energy vampire. You suck the life out of people and take the fun out of being a lawyer.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

Went to the beach and I bought ceviche and a boogie board from the same person.

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.

It’s hard to idolize a ballplayer when you're forty and he’s, let’s say, twenty-one. How can I be yelling “You da man!” when he da kid?

I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping.

Last girl I went out blew me off, gave me the Heisman. Straight arm, knee up. Boom. Now I call her with lame excuses. Hey did I leave a penny over there? Maybe I'll swing by late night. Late night.

Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it’s a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?

Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.