Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 741
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
Grannies Gone Wild’: She may have alzheimer’s, but she still nasty!
I wanted to be a comedian, and this is what I'm doing. If I can keep this going, I'm happy.
I never understood how people could come to a yard sale and get picky. Make me feel bad about the stuff I didn’t want anyway… <br /> “Does this VCR have a remote?” <br /> “No. It doesn’t have a cord either. That’s why it’s $4. It’s a piece of crap.”<br /> “Well, I was looking for a new VCR.”<br /> “Yeah, I think they sell those in places called ‘stores.’”
When the media ask George Bush a question, he answers, "Can I use a lifeline?"
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.
Some authority on parenting once said, "Hold them very close and then let them go." This is the hardest truth for a father to learn: that his children are continuously growing up and moving away from him (until, of course, they move back in).
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.