Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 741
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
I’d vote for myself because I couldn’t possibly suck as bad as our other options.
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…
The black groups that boycott certain films would do better to get the money together to make the films they want to see, or stay in church and leave us to our work.
The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So instead of attaching somewhere around his midsection, the suspenders clip onto his pants three inches below his nipples. Now picture the suspenders attached to sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls".
We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but Jack said he never gave anything away.
When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."
Remember Anthrax. They tried to blame that on the Middle Easterners. I knew that wasn’t a Middle Easterners. That’s not how Middle Easterners work… “What, you want me to put the Anthrax in the envelope, put a stamp on the envelope and then mail it? No no no no no. That’s not how I do it. Can I wrap the Anthrax around myself and run into somebody?”
Feels good to try, but playing a father, I'm getting a little older. I see now that I'm taking it more serious and I do want that lifestyle.