Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 741

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

Every gay guys GPS system would tell him to Go straight.

I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What’s so funny? I’ve done it. It’s not that bad. Waking up is horrible. “Where am I? What is this? Do you have any relish?”

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a "failed jobs program."

When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I'm obsessed with - one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn’t hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

I am two with nature.

To be on the safe side I use a condom when I masturbate.