Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 742

Jokes are good for your health, they reduce stress, even ancient jokes like "She was only the stablemen's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her," even jokes as old as "Does this bus go to Duluth? No, this bus goes beep beep." Or the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw. They keep on pleasing us, year after year.

Now you know the house rules, no !@#$% after eleven

Why shouldn't we air grievances at funerals?

Most people play a fair game of golf - If you watch them.

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.

To be on the safe side I use a condom when I masturbate.

Marriage is the death of hope.

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert.

You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.

You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish.

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!