Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 750

Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

Nothing makes you feel better inside, male or female, than when someone who shouldn't have fucked you, did.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

Never hit a baby, even if they start it.

The Devil: Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits.

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

I don't have a good work ethic. I have a real casual relationship with hours.

People keep telling me about the white race and the black race - and it really doesn't make sense. I played Miami, met a fellow two shades darker than me - and his name was Ginsberg! Took my place in two sit-in demonstrations - nobody knew the difference. The he tried for a third lunch counter and blew the whole bit ... asked for blintzes.