Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 750

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

I'm very open to the up-and-comers.

I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant.

The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit.

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

People keep telling me about the white race and the black race - and it really doesn't make sense. I played Miami, met a fellow two shades darker than me - and his name was Ginsberg! Took my place in two sit-in demonstrations - nobody knew the difference. The he tried for a third lunch counter and blew the whole bit ... asked for blintzes.

You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?

I’m a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

She had just ended an abusive relationship and I had just ended an abusive relationship and now both of us just wanted a relationship where we could make somebody else fucking pay!

I'm a walker. I enjoy walking, which I think psychologically expresses my feelings of wanting liberation without exerting myself too much.

By the way, great way to fight: arms down, face presented.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

My baby is weird man... when he get mad, he gets in the oven.