Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 755
The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.
If you really really don’t like someone, like you really don’t like someone, buy them a pony. Cause, "You know what, fuck you! Take care of this pony!"
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying "I love you." His love had to do with the way he treated you. When he said, "We're going here, we're going there," he was telling me about life. That was his love for me. My love for him was listening to what he said, keeping out of trouble, doing right, being fair.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
It is a point of pride for the American male to keep the same size jockey shorts for his entire life.
If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
I was on the way to my hotel, and I passed a hotel going in the opposite direction.
Designing is my hobby. If I didn't do what I do for a living - at some point when I don't do this for a living - I'll probably just do design work. I love finding really special pieces of furniture.
I don't think crucifixion is the answer. I believe in the resurrection. I like that part of the story.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade!