Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 755

You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

You might be a redneck if you've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Whether it means having a show, or a movie, or just being on a stage, I need an avenue to say what I have to say.

I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

I'd be far more content if I could mind someone else's business.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

Drinking and driving is safer than either drinking or driving - and no one has ever died drinking, driving and juggling.

Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

You have to have lived some life. You've got to have paid some dues.

Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.