Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 755
90% of the activities girls do is to get a guy’s attention and it’s just the way we’re built biologically. We love to get your attention. It’s part of the sport of it. You think I go to a sports bar because I like warm beer and sticky barstools? No! I go 'cause there’s guys there. You think I do a pub crawl every year because I like it when my liver hurts? No. I do it 'cause there’s guys there. We don’t wear heels for our circulation. We do it to prop up our butt so you’ll look at it and wanna mate with me. This isn’t a freaking game, alright? This isn't a push up bra - it's body armour. And this ain't make up, sweetheart - it's war paint! They say men are hunters and women are gatherers. Well, sort of. We gather information about you, and then we hunt you.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities.
When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.
The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.
It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think.
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
The welfare of our children is our main concern and their best interests are our first priority.
I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.