Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 756
Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?
This summer I just practiced real hard. I was real dedicated. I don't think I missed two or three workouts this whole summer.
I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
I was on the way to my hotel, and I passed a hotel going in the opposite direction.
College was a wonderful time - except, of course, when it was trying to teach you things.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
On Hulk Hogan: “You’re an old man who dresses like a Hooter’s waitress.”
I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.
The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.
When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?