Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 756
Frankly, I could not fucking believe I was not allowed to vote. Three and a half years I've lived here! I work hard -- relatively speaking for someone who does this for a living. I pay my taxes. I try to fit in. I've learnt your rudimentary language. I don't know what more you could reasonably expect me to do. And that's when it hit me. I know why I'm so angry. I know what this is -- taxation without representation. Now I get it. Now I see why you got so pissy about it all those years ago. It is annoying. You were right. It is annoying and consider that as close to an apology as you are ever going to get.
I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.
There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
They're all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences.
I inherited my low-self esteem from my family. My grandfather's mantra was "I suck therefore I am."
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
Life for me is great. I'm a very fuckin' wealthy person, I'm married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity.
When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
And everything's over when your grandma walks in, get that dick outta the fish tank! Time for supper!
If the owner hadn't come and seen the smoke, by time this place opened tonight it would have been rolling.