Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 756
I’d vote for myself because I couldn’t possibly suck as bad as our other options.
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'
I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour.
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.
Women save every single thing you give them. What we consider gifts they consider potential evidence that could be used against you at a later date. That’s why they have so many shoes. They just need the boxes to save all the crap that we give them.
How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish and pennies -- you've got to draw a line there.
To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
We all have a best friend in here. Every man in here has a best friend. The only reason you hangout with him is because his life sucks more than yours.
If I ever commit suicide I’m going to fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do I’m going to stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way when the onlookers walk up they can go, “Oh man he really must have been dep - Hey, Snickers!”
It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.