Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 754

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita.

We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong fucking house!

I love Mexico because it’s a giant dollar store. That economy though - I don’t understand that. When your money gets so valueless at what point do you just sit down and go, “You know what? we got to go back to trading chickens again. This is just not working.”

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

I have New Age friends who gave their little girl a toolbox of plastic tools. They were horrified later that night when they came into her room and found out she was putting the hammer to bed.

My hair is always at its best in New York. I don't know what's in the water. It could be mousse.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.

I'll take on somebody if they're offending the entire culture, not just offending me.

Drinking and driving is safer than either drinking or driving - and no one has ever died drinking, driving and juggling.