Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 754

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don't care what it is. It works.

He was born on April 2. A day late.

A lot of people say to me, “Why did you kill Christ?” I dunno… it was one of those parties that got out of hand.

There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

A grandchild is God’s reward for raising a child.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

I really enjoyed doing the book, but you don't get any reinforcement. You just sit in a room being yourself for a long time, and it's hard to get comfortable with that. The idea of getting back in there in a room with a bunch of funny people and just cranking out jokes is just really appealing to me.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.