Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 76

Nothing more racist than a old black man, you know why? 'Cause the old black man went through some real racism. He ain't go through that "I can't get a cab" shit. He was the cab! White man just jump on his back: "Main Street!"

It's more important to look good than to feel good.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.

I'm not crying, its just been raining... on my face.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who are exactly like us. And it doesn't matter. White. Black. Red. Yellow. Purple, uh oh, the purple people, are the worst. Man. All prejudiced and birth marky. But, we've got to learn to get past our differences. I learned that at the museum of tolerance. After my dad beat the crap out of a guy over a parking spot.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

I thought it was really odd at how much people freaked out at Katrina. You'd think they'd be worried about something important. 'Oh my God, look! George Bush is just appointing all his friends into office and we're in an unfounded war...' But no - 'Fuck that! That nigger's stealing some potato chips!'

Every time you hear about some famous guy overdosing on drugs, it's always some really talented guy. It's always like Len Bias, or Janis Joplin, or Jimi Hendrix, or John Belushi. You know what I mean? The people you wanna have overdose on drugs never would! Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose man, never!

Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met.

You might be a redneck if... your family tree doesn't fork.

Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas: Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'