Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 77
I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn’t really hit us.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
I like my coffee hot and strong, like I like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fucking mouth.
I hate when I'm masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I'm about to come, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.
Life and mental illness aside, the only reason to stay miserable is life or mental illness.
They call you 'Pops',you work in the library and your best friend's a mouse.
Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
Women are really divided on abortion in this country. Half of them are cool, but the other half I have to drag down there.
I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.
You’re going into business with that Puerto Rican? You ought to call yourselves “Julio and Big Foolio.”
Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas: Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'