Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 75
Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
I am addicted to hockey now. I've seen it on TV, but to be there? I had no idea that white people were having so much fun without me.
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
It's the woman's movement. Woman are demanding things. "Give me things! Do things to me! Do exotic things and plenty of them. Tonight, I think I'll have multiple orgasms". And I go fucking hell, what? What's that? "Go for it my boy! Plenty of orgasms, I'll tell you when to stop". No sooner had we found the clitoris that we were in search of the g-spot. I don't think you could find that with a wet suit and a divers helmet. I know gynaecologists that don't believe in it. You see it's difficult to be a man. I mean the mens movement in America is taking the country by storm. Right, people and all meeting, but you see films of the woman's movement... "We want this! And that. We demand a share in that, and most of that, some of this and fucking all of that. Less of that, more of this and fucking plenty of this. And another thing we want it now. I want it yesterday and I want fucking more tomorrow. And the demands will all be checked then so fucking stay awake."
When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!'
I think the best part of being gay is when you're done, you could turn over and talk about football.
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
Oh the abortion issue, it's a woman's issue. When a woman get pregnant, she don't want to hear shit from the man. Fuck you, motherfuck you, I don't need you. Unless she decides to have the baby and she's like, "Where my check?"