Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 75
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you know? And that's OK, you're willing to make that purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy-years, I'll be happy.
Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.
You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too - in case you ever fly some day.'
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
I think the best part of being gay is when you're done, you could turn over and talk about football.
We lay out our lives in a narrative we understand, like a movie, but are you enjoying making it or are you wondering "who's watching my movie".
My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.
The last time I smoked pot and drove a car I ended up getting pulled over by a street cleaner. Marijuana has been scientifically proven to distort one’s perception of depth and distance. So driving’s a terrible idea. 'Cuz you’re in your car, like, "Oh man, I got a small steering wheel. Well, I am a magical gnome.. so that’s pretty cool." "Maybe I’ll pull over by that pine tree and take a hike... oh wait, shit, that’s the air freshener!"
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.